Recently, clips surfaced of Greater Manchester Mayor and prospective Labour leader, Andy Burnham, saying he’d like to scrap VAR in football. It should come as no surprise that a man who voted for the Iraq War would be against a live action replay of something being put before a panel of judges. But as Keir Starmer looks increasingly like a depressed penguin preparing to walk off into the Arctic and die, and Wes Streeting being about as popular as a fart in a caravan, we must wonder: what is Burnham’s Labour going to look like?
In short, no different to what we have right now under Keir Starmer. With the notable exception that Andy Burnham has the ability to speak as though he’s a human being. As opposed to Starmer, who appears more like the Thing from John Carpenter’s film in his attempts to convince the electorate that he is one of us.
With a by-election set to take place in Burnham’s old political stomping ground of Makerfield, it looks likely that he’ll be an MP by the end of June. Despite it still being very early, Burnham has already U-turned on previously stated policy positions. You only need to look at his distaste towards the UK rejoining the EU if he became Prime Minister, despite previously saying it should: “Brexit has been damaging, but the last thing we need right now is to re-run those arguments.”
Burnham’s convenient change of heart perfectly encapsulates the neoliberal limbo Labour have been stuck in since the days of Blair: We know this is hurting you – but hell if we’re going to try to fix it.
To take this attitude a step further, Burnham has also committed to retaining the austerity-laden fiscal policy set out by Starmer’s Chancellor, Rachel Reeves. Where, then, is the change Burnham speaks of? Where is the “end of neoliberalism” that he promised in a recent campaign ad, with “Some Might Say” by Oasis playing in the background? You may argue that he intends on nationalising water, utilities, and transport – which are all welcome policies – but guess who else promised all those things? Keir Starmer. Do you perceive Sir Kez as the neoliberal king slayer? Right, but what if he put on a pair of Adidas Gazelles, sank a pint and hummed along to “She’s Electric”?
Despite these commitments to Reeve’s strict budget, Burnham refuses to rule out taking loans to bolster defence spending. Sort of like buying a Boeing AH-64 Apache attack helicopter and then telling your children that there’s no cash for tea. My generation are constantly told there is no money for us, to properly fund the NHS, to abolish tuition fees, to improve welfare, to afford a home, to lift people up. But the magic money tree always seems to bloom whenever we need bombs.
As well as dithering on the EU and fiscal policy, Burnham has also scrapped the idea of electoral reform before the (presumed) 2029 election. Stating he does not support proportional representation, but rather a supplementary vote system. This contrasts with comments he made in 2025, speaking at a Labour For A New Democracy event, where he stated: “…in my view, it is dangerous to continue with an electoral system that can elect a majority government on a minority of the votes.” He went on to endorse a manifesto commitment to proportional representation, and said that “political reform opens the door to economic reform”. Burnham now rejects the idea of both political and economic reform.
There have also been calls for the burgeoning Green Party to not contest the Makerfield by-election, but rather do the noble thing and put country before party. Andy Burnham’s popular reputation must belong in some sort of quantum equation. He is, apparently, the most popular politician in the country. But simultaneously, he can only win this seat if nobody runs against him. A kind of political Schrodinger’s Cat. If people want a solution to said conundrum in a political context, I suggest we put Wes Streeting in a box and see if we can tell when he’s sold it to Palantir without opening it.
If you’re somebody on the left, as I am, then the thought of a Reform UK majority government is worrying. Equally, though, if you’ve paid the least bit of attention, it’s impossible not to view Burnham as a cynical actor, a career politician, and an opportunist. As well as a roadblock to the real change this country desperately needs. He’s not doing populism; I’d call his campaign strategy “slopulism”. It’s the same vibes-based strategy as Farage. The kind of thing that gets your dad excited about politics – a man he’d like to chat to about Everton’s 1987 title-winning side along with a Peroni.
Andy Burnham is for the kind of Englishman whose eyes light up with glee when they see sausage and mash on the menu at the all-inclusive. The kind of bloke who mumbles “biblical” to himself when he can catch Richard Osman’s House of Games on Dave Ja Vu. The kind of man who’d say, “You’re twisting my melon, man!” when his wife tells him she hasn’t been happy in years. The kind of man who takes great pride in acknowledging Johnny Marr’s contribution to The Smiths.
So, what’s the point? Where do we go from here? With Labour’s feckless neoliberal agenda set to continue, just with three stripes now painted on the side, what next for the left? Well, the way I see it, we can only do what we’ve always done. Angry tweets. Reposting infographics onto our Instagram stories. Snarky articles, such as this one. You know, the kind of real revolutionary praxis guaranteed to be ignored by everyone you know in real life. Or, at least, dissenting against the idea that Labour with a new face will offer us anything different.
If all else fails, I propose we seek religion. But not any of that made up tat. We on the left must be practical, pray to something real, tangible. Something you can rely on, that you know will never leave you. It is for this reason that I suggest we start praying to the triple lock, bond market, and the concept of fiscal responsibility. The father, the son and the Holy Spirit.