Wet Yerself: The Best (and Worst) Tap Water in the North West

People are ready to fight and die for the tap water they drink. We were loath to discover this after asking you lot to help us in our effort to systematically rank North West towns by the quality of their kitchen tap’s finest draught. With a team of tap water sommeliers chomping at the bit, we have assembled the official STAT tap water rankings. Obviously we couldn’t include every town (by God, you tried to make us), but think of this as the People’s Best Tap Water List – it is shaped and written by the most passionate tap water drinkers this side of the Pennines.

All rankings are henceforth sacrosanct and any towns missing in this incredibly scientific document probably don’t have tap water worth mentioning in the first place.

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carlilse – 10/10

Soft and creamy with satisfying viscosity and mouthfeel, very neutral in a really good way (absolutely no weird chalky taste) – and almost always cold. – Leigh

PENRITH – 7.5/10

It has a very smooth quality, with minerally tones throughout, but is lacking that intense brilliance often found in the elite tap waters; nevertheless, it is still very welcoming and you are never disappointed going back for more. – Matthew Rush

chorley – 3/10

Chorley water is so bad I would only drink bottled or filtered water between the ages of five and 15. – Bec

WHITEHAVEN – 2/10

Some of the worst water I’ve ever had. – Oliver

KENDAL – 10/10

As if Mother Nature herself wept tears of joy from a fresh mountain spring. Would recommend. – Ruth Leahy

Barrow-in-Furness – 9/10

Live in Germany now but first thing I do when I’m back is chippy and taste the sweet nectar from the tap, unbeatable. – Elliot

DaRWEN – 8.5/10

Not quite the quality of a mountain spring, but still not the lead-tinged tipple of the inner city faucet. – Slippy Dee

BLACKBURN – 4/10

Strangely sweet and follows the contours of the oesophagus well, but still left wanting. – George Francis Lee

leigh – 5/10

Leigh’s tap water is very similar to its people: soft as shite like the lobby gobblers they are. – DJ PLOP DJ

BOLTON – 6.5/10

Bolton’s tap water is better than fine. Good, even. Gets the job done. – Charlie C

morecambe – 8 or higher/10

There’s a sweetness on the tongue and a creamy thickness, almost as though the viscosity is higher. The colour of the teabag pour is not brown but a deep rust red. I’m no tap sommelier. – Matthew Whitehouse

LANCASTER – 10/10

Lancaster water is elite. Crisp and fresh, instantly hydrating, like God’s nectar on a warm summer’s day. – Bec

LANCASTER (again) – 0/10

I shit you not I have never drunk tap water that has made me feel sicker in my life than Lancaster’s – get it at the bottom I BEG. – JC

BURNLEY – 0.39/10

Tastes like a finely-aged mixture of sweat and puddle water (on a good day). – Orrin Saint-Pierre

preston – 8.5/10

Preston tap water is lip smackingly good! H2-Oh my fucking God you’re so fucking delicious. Yumma yumma yumma. As fresh as a daisy and the utmost in sophistication when yer needing some cheap hydration. If the people of Preston are hard as nails and tough as lead piping then their tap water is quite the opposite: soft, gentle, non-life threatening, and a pour that leaves you begging for more. – Lee Ivett

CLITHEROE – 9/10

Elegant and divine soft water silk swilled at the back of the gullet. Gave me Cryptosporidiosis once, but still my lips are smacked upon the tap. Glug, glug, glug. – Connor Seed

SOUTHPORT – 6/10

It was quite nice and refreshing if ruined slightly by a trace of a chemical aftertaste. – Niamh Marlow

Blackpool – 6/10

Delectable, yet suspiciously juicy water. Sharp as a shard of Blackpool rock. – Meanie

BLACKPOOL (BONUS) – 5/10

You might get a germ if you taste it. Sometimes it tastes medical. – Meanie’s nana, Marie

ROCHDALE – 10/10

Having let the tap run for a few seconds (a fine line between wasting water and ensuring you have a palatable beverage) I indulge in the nectar of the Thirlmere aqueduct, an excellent all-rounder, from teeth brushing to brew making, and everything in between! You can stick your Volvic up your Buxton mate! – John Bob

WIGAN – 8/10

Spring pure, mineral rich, crystal clear, refreshing mouthfeel. – Oliver Walkden

MANCHESTER – 5/10

Like a confluence of the Medlock, Irwell, and Irk, Manchester’s crisp tap swill hides rough secrets between its droplets. – Connor Seed

oldham – 4/10

Grainy, muddy water with an aftertaste of dry clay. – Alice Gilbride

STOCKPORT – 7/10

Not even close to the nectar of Backwater Reservoir that supplies my native Dundee, and often cut off by United Utilities incompetents – but it’s good enough that I keep coming back for more like a panting dog. – Angus Stewart

LIVERPOOL – 6/10

It’s hard to appreciate the taste of any English water when you grew up in the Welsh countryside. – Tilly Foulkes

warrington – 7/10

The water in Warrington is harder and cleaner than elsewhere up North. A bit too clean. It sizzles like you’ve planed the top layer off yer tongue. But that’s alright, I like chemicals. – Pete Mercer

macclesfield – 6/10

Much like the town, Macclesfield’s tap water is unremarkable. It doesn’t have Manchester’s reputation or come with the pomp and circumstance of Buxton’s offering, but it’s clear, consistent, dependable and soft. – Rob Needham

birkenhead – 5.5/10

Subtly ozonic with a somewhat astringent finish. Does the job. – Phoebe Thomas

SALFORD – 10/10

Taken from the fells, the best ya nan can get. – Adam White

illustrations and header background by Liv Bernstein